Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Hey Ya Holiday!
Here I am. Back in Edmonton. I love Edmonton!
My mom got me a tarot card reading for Christmas. She asked me if I wanted to go when I was really struggling in Toronto and crying all the time on the phone. The reading was today. The woman who did it was cool. Very down to earth. She does the readings at a store called Sense or Serenity (not all that down to earth) and when I went into the room where the reading happens she automatically told me that she didn’t decorate it. It was pretty ugly and over the top with ‘mystical’ stuff.
The reading itself was really good. It fit. My growth card for this year is The Universe and I guess this means that it’s a time of great change. She said my life is being turned in a new direction. And it’s true. One of the cards tells you about what has been going on in the last little while, that card for me was all about over thinking stuff. I laughed pretty hard when she said that. OH MY GOD I OVER THINK EVERYTHING. She said I should be getting over that now, or that it shouldn’t be as bad in the next little while (the over thinking got pretty destructive there for a while I think). I have noticed I’ve been a bit less self-absorbed and less in my head lately. I still don’t know how to stop thinking about certain things (mainly what the hell is up with boys) when I notice that I’m over doing it. Anyway the basic ideas I took away from the reading were that things are going to be confused for a while, and that things will become clearer, and that I need to wait ‘til they’re clear to make decisions, and that I need to not over think stuff, and not over stretch myself, and I need to not assume things aren’t going to work. The last card that tells you where you’re heading was Happiness. I almost cried.
I’m sitting here now waiting to go to a party at my friend Kirstin’s Mom’s house. I got ready way to early (like hours). I’m listening to this cover of Hey Ya! (originally by Outkast). The cover is by Obadiah Parker. Zach bought me the CD for Christmas just because of this song. I’ve been listening to it on repeat for a while now.
Tonight I will drink rum!
My mom got me a tarot card reading for Christmas. She asked me if I wanted to go when I was really struggling in Toronto and crying all the time on the phone. The reading was today. The woman who did it was cool. Very down to earth. She does the readings at a store called Sense or Serenity (not all that down to earth) and when I went into the room where the reading happens she automatically told me that she didn’t decorate it. It was pretty ugly and over the top with ‘mystical’ stuff.
The reading itself was really good. It fit. My growth card for this year is The Universe and I guess this means that it’s a time of great change. She said my life is being turned in a new direction. And it’s true. One of the cards tells you about what has been going on in the last little while, that card for me was all about over thinking stuff. I laughed pretty hard when she said that. OH MY GOD I OVER THINK EVERYTHING. She said I should be getting over that now, or that it shouldn’t be as bad in the next little while (the over thinking got pretty destructive there for a while I think). I have noticed I’ve been a bit less self-absorbed and less in my head lately. I still don’t know how to stop thinking about certain things (mainly what the hell is up with boys) when I notice that I’m over doing it. Anyway the basic ideas I took away from the reading were that things are going to be confused for a while, and that things will become clearer, and that I need to wait ‘til they’re clear to make decisions, and that I need to not over think stuff, and not over stretch myself, and I need to not assume things aren’t going to work. The last card that tells you where you’re heading was Happiness. I almost cried.
I’m sitting here now waiting to go to a party at my friend Kirstin’s Mom’s house. I got ready way to early (like hours). I’m listening to this cover of Hey Ya! (originally by Outkast). The cover is by Obadiah Parker. Zach bought me the CD for Christmas just because of this song. I’ve been listening to it on repeat for a while now.
Tonight I will drink rum!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Work Related
So I just realized I didn’t tell the crack-head lamp story. There was this lamp that had been in the basement of the Idiot since I started working there so I asked my boss what was up with it and he told me some crack-head paid him for a couple drinks with it. And then he was like “you want it?” and I was like “yes.” When I left with it one of the regulars asked what I was doing with it and I said I was taking it home, and she sort of thought about it and then made a comment about how it was a nice shape so I could cover up the designs and it would be fine. I’m not covering up the designs. Who does she think I am? Martha Stewart? I fucking wish!
The other day I got fired! Then three hours later I was re-hired. I feel an anvil girl coming on.
The other day I got fired! Then three hours later I was re-hired. I feel an anvil girl coming on.
Friday, December 12, 2008
homesick
I met with Eveylnn, the volunteer coordinator for the Redwood women and children’s center, yesterday. I’m going to start volunteering there in the New Year. I’m going to be working in the crisis management center. I guess I watch video screens that monitor the center, answer phones, and let people in. I told Evelynn that I’d like to do advocacy work for the center too. She said she’d give my name to the woman in charge of that, so that I could go to trainings and that sort of stuff.
Today I was walking around Kensington eating pastries (yes, plural) from china town and buying groceries, listing to my ipod. I felt super cool. I’m pretty sure I didn’t look cool though because it’s quite likely that the pineapple topping stuff from the pastries was all over my face and I didn’t wash my face this morning (or last night, come to think of it) so there were chunks of mascara under my eyes, and my hair was pretty outta control. Maybe cool isn’t the right word. It just felt good not to really have to do anything, but to be doing stuff anyway. I guess…
I do have to clean my place today. I have new landlords and tomorrow there’s some inspection thing at nine am. I won’t actually be around because I have a nutritionist appointment thing at the YMCA. But I do need to clean up. My place is a mess. It’s not terrible by my standards, but my standards are notoriously low when it comes to cleanliness or general tidiness.
The other day the mother of the two guys who are my new landlords was in my apartment and I was embarrassed. Not even because it was a mess, which it certainly was, but because it doesn’t really look like a place someone would live. There’s a futon and a wardrobe and a bookshelf and some fold out chairs. Recently I bought some art that my old landlady did and those are on the wall. I also acquired that crack-head lamp, which doesn’t stand up straight. I guess my place is sort of what you expect a bachelor’s place to look like.
I met the women who live upstairs a while ago, they’re probably a few years older than me, and they asked if they could come see my place sometime, I said sure. They haven’t, thank god. Their place is DECORATED. There are PLANTS. And it’s PAINTED COLOURS. For the first month I just told everyone who saw my place that I was still settling in and had to get some furniture etc. but I feel like that excuse doesn’t really work any more. Also, I still sleep in my sleeping bag.
I want to ‘decorate’ or whatever. I want some furniture. I want a love seat and a chair. I want to entertain and stuff. But I also don’t know how much effort and money I should put into this because I don’t know if I’ll stay in Toronto if I can’t get a job doing something I want to do before my lease is up. It doesn’t really make a ton of sense for me to stay in Toronto to do a job I could do in Edmonton where I wouldn’t pay rent (right mom and dad?). But then I don’t know if I’d be happy living back at home. I feel like it would be right now because I’m so god dam homesick. But I think long term it probably wouldn’t work for me.
I really love living alone. At first it was hard. But now that my social life is fairly active it’s fine. I think I’d be happy living in Toronto for another year or two. I just don’t know if it’s economically feasible. I suppose time will tell, and going home for Christmas will hopefully give me some perspective
Today I was walking around Kensington eating pastries (yes, plural) from china town and buying groceries, listing to my ipod. I felt super cool. I’m pretty sure I didn’t look cool though because it’s quite likely that the pineapple topping stuff from the pastries was all over my face and I didn’t wash my face this morning (or last night, come to think of it) so there were chunks of mascara under my eyes, and my hair was pretty outta control. Maybe cool isn’t the right word. It just felt good not to really have to do anything, but to be doing stuff anyway. I guess…
I do have to clean my place today. I have new landlords and tomorrow there’s some inspection thing at nine am. I won’t actually be around because I have a nutritionist appointment thing at the YMCA. But I do need to clean up. My place is a mess. It’s not terrible by my standards, but my standards are notoriously low when it comes to cleanliness or general tidiness.
The other day the mother of the two guys who are my new landlords was in my apartment and I was embarrassed. Not even because it was a mess, which it certainly was, but because it doesn’t really look like a place someone would live. There’s a futon and a wardrobe and a bookshelf and some fold out chairs. Recently I bought some art that my old landlady did and those are on the wall. I also acquired that crack-head lamp, which doesn’t stand up straight. I guess my place is sort of what you expect a bachelor’s place to look like.
I met the women who live upstairs a while ago, they’re probably a few years older than me, and they asked if they could come see my place sometime, I said sure. They haven’t, thank god. Their place is DECORATED. There are PLANTS. And it’s PAINTED COLOURS. For the first month I just told everyone who saw my place that I was still settling in and had to get some furniture etc. but I feel like that excuse doesn’t really work any more. Also, I still sleep in my sleeping bag.
I want to ‘decorate’ or whatever. I want some furniture. I want a love seat and a chair. I want to entertain and stuff. But I also don’t know how much effort and money I should put into this because I don’t know if I’ll stay in Toronto if I can’t get a job doing something I want to do before my lease is up. It doesn’t really make a ton of sense for me to stay in Toronto to do a job I could do in Edmonton where I wouldn’t pay rent (right mom and dad?). But then I don’t know if I’d be happy living back at home. I feel like it would be right now because I’m so god dam homesick. But I think long term it probably wouldn’t work for me.
I really love living alone. At first it was hard. But now that my social life is fairly active it’s fine. I think I’d be happy living in Toronto for another year or two. I just don’t know if it’s economically feasible. I suppose time will tell, and going home for Christmas will hopefully give me some perspective
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Pros and Cons of putting Kahlúa/Baileys in my coffee every morning at work.
Pro – it puts me in a good mood
Con – it isn’t socially acceptable
Con – I’m stealing
Pro – it’s free!
Con – maybe I’m dependent
Con – people might be able to smell it and think I’m an alcoholic
Pro - my co-workers don't have to put up with me being a moody bitch
Pro – I don’t have to add sweetener to my coffee
Pro – it makes work seem silly instead of soul crushing
Con – I could get caught
Pro – it makes me feel like I’m sticking it to the man
Con – what if I get a real job and still want to booze it every morning, but actually have to pay for it. That could be expensive
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
workin' blogin'
This morning I woke up at the usual time (early), headed to the gym, got to the gym, went to get changed and didn’t have my shorts! I piss myself off! Guess I’ll go after work. I’m just always so spent. Phil and I got together after work (well after work for me, before work for him) for coffee yesterday, and that was nice, but I felt frazzled. We seem to have pretty intense and personal conversations when we get together. I think we're both trying to figure ourselves out right now so we end up bouncing a lot of ideas off of each other. We laugh a lot though, so that’s good.
It’s hard to switch gears. Usually work involves me being pretty phony and sometimes for a while after work I’m just phony with everyone, even my friends. which feels like crap. That being said, yesterday I felt like I was pretty much myself all day, which I can’t say very often. It wasn’t too busy. I got a pretty massive tip from these guys who are doing construction work on the AGO. It’s funny serving a table of construction workers. This particular group of guys is pretty nice, and they aren’t obnoxious or loud or overly crude. Anton told me that he overheard them talking about my ‘rack’ though. I wasn’t offended. He told me after I’d gotten my 45% tip. But maybe that should be cause for me to be more offended. I think I just didn’t care because they were really nice and respectful to me. It’s not like they were talking about it when I was within earshot. And they said please and thank you. And I know I objectify the shit out of people who serve me sometimes.
Anyway. I’m going to be contributing to a new blog soon. it’s called T&B Toronto Firsts. It’s a project that my friend Teresa and I are undertaking. I guess it’s like a review blog. We’re going to go to places in Toronto we’ve never been before and then write about our experiences independently and post our entries at the same time. I think it’ll be interesting. And it’ll get me out of the house and going to new places. We went to Sweaty Betty’s last week and our posts will go up on Thursday at nine. I’ll put up a link to it later.
It’s hard to switch gears. Usually work involves me being pretty phony and sometimes for a while after work I’m just phony with everyone, even my friends. which feels like crap. That being said, yesterday I felt like I was pretty much myself all day, which I can’t say very often. It wasn’t too busy. I got a pretty massive tip from these guys who are doing construction work on the AGO. It’s funny serving a table of construction workers. This particular group of guys is pretty nice, and they aren’t obnoxious or loud or overly crude. Anton told me that he overheard them talking about my ‘rack’ though. I wasn’t offended. He told me after I’d gotten my 45% tip. But maybe that should be cause for me to be more offended. I think I just didn’t care because they were really nice and respectful to me. It’s not like they were talking about it when I was within earshot. And they said please and thank you. And I know I objectify the shit out of people who serve me sometimes.
Anyway. I’m going to be contributing to a new blog soon. it’s called T&B Toronto Firsts. It’s a project that my friend Teresa and I are undertaking. I guess it’s like a review blog. We’re going to go to places in Toronto we’ve never been before and then write about our experiences independently and post our entries at the same time. I think it’ll be interesting. And it’ll get me out of the house and going to new places. We went to Sweaty Betty’s last week and our posts will go up on Thursday at nine. I’ll put up a link to it later.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
rap me this
I’ve been enjoying rap music quite a bit lately. What does it mean? I always liked listening to Missy Elliot. But she’s a woman, and so it seemed empowering and awesome. But listening to 50 cent isn’t the same, and maybe it should be the opposite. I remember I bought the Eminem CD that was all big, one of the first ones. I listened to it for quite a while, over and over, and then suddenly it made me feel sick. So I stopped. I still can’t really handle his stuff, Peep Show, which features Eminem is pretty much the only song on the Curtis album that makes me feel yucky, not even the whole thing, just the part with Eminem suggesting I eat his shit.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
bad movies are good.
Tonight Shama and I are going to rent Step Brothers. And watch it. I know it’s supposed to be stupid, and I know a lot of people are sick of Ferrell, and I know it got REALLY bad reviews. And I totally can’t wait to watch the shit out of it.
music obsession
I’m listening to my itunes on random and the red hot chili peppers just came on. I used to be obsessed with them. It’s funny how extreme I was. I was like that with Ani Difranco too for quite a while. Then I met her and proceeded to embarrass myself, thoroughly. And now I hardly ever listen to any of her music, I think because it still makes me feel all hot and uncomfortable to remember what a fool I was. But why don’t I listen to the chili peppers anymore? Maybe I’m just embarrassed by my level of obsession and so I don’t really like to revisit it. It’s like an unhealthy relationship where it’s either full on listen-to-nothing-else-research-every-members-life-download-countless-photos-of-the-band or nothing at all.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
my boss is a jerk
Today at work I forgot to ring in a coke and my boss sent me home over it. The people I work with have been telling me since I started that he’s an unpredictable asshole, but I didn’t really experience it til today. What a jerk.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Trip Down Memory Lane
On Saturday I went to Peterborough. While on the bus I had fleeting moment of emotional besiegement. I’ve taken that bus ride so many times, but if you’d asked me two months ago if I thought I’d be a greyhound traveling between Toronto and Peterborough any time soon I would have scoffed. I suppose the overwhelmed feelings came from feeling like I have very little control and absolutely no foresight.
Being in Peterborough was just like it always was, minus some feelings of resentment and entrapment. I consumed too much alcohol and did some regrettable things. I scare myself a bit sometimes because I find myself so unpredictable. My feelings of anxiousness have less to do with the stupid things I do and more to do with not understanding why I do them.
Sorry if this seems cryptic. It’s just not worth it to get into it here.
In other news, why is everyone going so completely nuts about this movie Twilight. Did I miss something?
Being in Peterborough was just like it always was, minus some feelings of resentment and entrapment. I consumed too much alcohol and did some regrettable things. I scare myself a bit sometimes because I find myself so unpredictable. My feelings of anxiousness have less to do with the stupid things I do and more to do with not understanding why I do them.
Sorry if this seems cryptic. It’s just not worth it to get into it here.
In other news, why is everyone going so completely nuts about this movie Twilight. Did I miss something?
Monday, November 24, 2008
I’ve decided I’d like to keep updating this blog. The city is a different kind of wilderness, or something.
I’m figuring things out slowly. Or it feels slow, but I’ve only been here a little over a month now and I should probably cut myself some slack. I’ve made some friends, and I’ve been going out a lot. Spending all my tip money on booze probably isn’t the greatest, but it’s fun. Meeting new people is exhilarating and disappointing.
I had a couple bad weeks where I felt really directionless. I’ve been trying to develop a more solid routine in some areas of my life. Mostly I’m just trying to go to the gym every morning. Jess, a new friend from work, has asked me to give her wake up calls. I call her around quarter to six when I’m heading to the gym and say “hey, I’m going to the gym” this apparently helps her get her ass out of bed. I imagine this is because she has a competitive streak and the idea that I’m up doing something while she is sleeping gives her the motivation to also get out of bed. This morning she hung up on me though. I think calling her also helps me get my ass out of bed. Probably because it makes me accountable to someone other than myself. I’m sure Oprah did a show all about that.
I still feel lost, a little bit, or a lot, depending on the day. Mostly it has to do with jobs. I’m not really sure what I want to do. I’ve been applying for entry-level receptionist type positions in organizations I think I would like to work for. I don’t want to be a receptionist. And on top of that none of the organizations seem to want me either. I haven’t gotten a single phone call. It’s time consuming writing cover letters. I feel like I’m producing all these cover letters and CVs and throwing them into an abyss. The whole process makes me cringe, trying to make myself sound super awesome on paper feels so gross.
I’m currently working on a job application for the UofT Center for Women and Trans People. The position title is “Coordinator, Volunteers and Communications.” I really really want this job. A lot. I’ve been working on my cover letter and one page response to the question "You have been given a large grant to start up a university-based centre for women and trans people. What essential elements (programming, space usage, policies, etc.) do you think are necessary to include in your Centre?" I’m not bad at talking about anti-oppression and issues around gender and sexuality. But since I sort of get this stuff I also know that my white & straight status might be an issue, and rightly so I guess. But maybe that’s why I’d be good at this job. I’d recognize that I couldn’t run around making unilateral decisions, I’d really want to work within the consensus framework, I’d really want and need to get people of colour, trans people, gay people involved in idea and decision processes. I really want this job. This whole process of looking for ‘meaningful’ work has made me feel powerless. And now I have to go put eight hours in at the pub with a girl who wears way to much perfume and a guy who spends half the shift being hilarious and half the shift being a total dick.
I’m figuring things out slowly. Or it feels slow, but I’ve only been here a little over a month now and I should probably cut myself some slack. I’ve made some friends, and I’ve been going out a lot. Spending all my tip money on booze probably isn’t the greatest, but it’s fun. Meeting new people is exhilarating and disappointing.
I had a couple bad weeks where I felt really directionless. I’ve been trying to develop a more solid routine in some areas of my life. Mostly I’m just trying to go to the gym every morning. Jess, a new friend from work, has asked me to give her wake up calls. I call her around quarter to six when I’m heading to the gym and say “hey, I’m going to the gym” this apparently helps her get her ass out of bed. I imagine this is because she has a competitive streak and the idea that I’m up doing something while she is sleeping gives her the motivation to also get out of bed. This morning she hung up on me though. I think calling her also helps me get my ass out of bed. Probably because it makes me accountable to someone other than myself. I’m sure Oprah did a show all about that.
I still feel lost, a little bit, or a lot, depending on the day. Mostly it has to do with jobs. I’m not really sure what I want to do. I’ve been applying for entry-level receptionist type positions in organizations I think I would like to work for. I don’t want to be a receptionist. And on top of that none of the organizations seem to want me either. I haven’t gotten a single phone call. It’s time consuming writing cover letters. I feel like I’m producing all these cover letters and CVs and throwing them into an abyss. The whole process makes me cringe, trying to make myself sound super awesome on paper feels so gross.
I’m currently working on a job application for the UofT Center for Women and Trans People. The position title is “Coordinator, Volunteers and Communications.” I really really want this job. A lot. I’ve been working on my cover letter and one page response to the question "You have been given a large grant to start up a university-based centre for women and trans people. What essential elements (programming, space usage, policies, etc.) do you think are necessary to include in your Centre?" I’m not bad at talking about anti-oppression and issues around gender and sexuality. But since I sort of get this stuff I also know that my white & straight status might be an issue, and rightly so I guess. But maybe that’s why I’d be good at this job. I’d recognize that I couldn’t run around making unilateral decisions, I’d really want to work within the consensus framework, I’d really want and need to get people of colour, trans people, gay people involved in idea and decision processes. I really want this job. This whole process of looking for ‘meaningful’ work has made me feel powerless. And now I have to go put eight hours in at the pub with a girl who wears way to much perfume and a guy who spends half the shift being hilarious and half the shift being a total dick.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Day Four of Pack Trip
The last day of the pack trip. We woke up at five, ate quickly, cleaned up camp, and packed the horses. It was only about a four or five hour ride back, and the horses knew we were headed home so they set a quick pace. A couple hours in it started to rain. We stopped, dismounted, and pulled our rain gear out of our saddlebags and put it on. The rest of the ride the rain only got harder. It was cold and miserable and my hat got warped. When we got back to the ranch we started to unpack and un-tack. My hands were so cold that I couldn’t make them work properly. I couldn’t get a good grip on anything. I went to the bathroom and I couldn’t do my fly back up so I ran my hands under hot water until I could sort of feel them again, but I still couldn’t work them in the way I needed to. I ended up just doing my belt up really tight and pulling my shirt down so that no one would see that my pants were in fact undone. Brenda helped me finish un-tacking Eldorado. Over the next couple hours my hands started to operate as usual.
After we had finished taking care of our horses I showered. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Originally I had planned to stay for another three weeks on an internship. I had assumed this would lead to a job, but since the pack trip season was ending and the hunting season was beginning there wouldn’t be any work for me to do, during my internship or after. Most of the other students were going back to Surrey after lunch, and Brenda told me that if I went back with them I could stay with her at the Sheraton. Fairly last minute I decided to take the shuttle. I stuffed my things into my backpack, no idea if I was making the right decision or not. I remember sitting in the bus on the six-hour ride back to Surrey and realizing I couldn’t just take it back. Sometimes I think that maybe I spend so much time in my head going over scenarios and then changing them slightly or scrapping them that sometimes I forget that I can’t redo things if they don’t work out. I made the decision to go impulsively which meant I hadn’t had the chance to go over the different possibilities and I felt a little panicked. I was afraid I’d made the wrong decision. Which isn’t really something I believe in I don’t think, at least not in the way I was feeling it at that point, like this was a wrong turn that there was no recovering from. In the end I think it was a decision I didn’t expect to have to make, and I ended up in a place I hadn’t expected to be.
After we had finished taking care of our horses I showered. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Originally I had planned to stay for another three weeks on an internship. I had assumed this would lead to a job, but since the pack trip season was ending and the hunting season was beginning there wouldn’t be any work for me to do, during my internship or after. Most of the other students were going back to Surrey after lunch, and Brenda told me that if I went back with them I could stay with her at the Sheraton. Fairly last minute I decided to take the shuttle. I stuffed my things into my backpack, no idea if I was making the right decision or not. I remember sitting in the bus on the six-hour ride back to Surrey and realizing I couldn’t just take it back. Sometimes I think that maybe I spend so much time in my head going over scenarios and then changing them slightly or scrapping them that sometimes I forget that I can’t redo things if they don’t work out. I made the decision to go impulsively which meant I hadn’t had the chance to go over the different possibilities and I felt a little panicked. I was afraid I’d made the wrong decision. Which isn’t really something I believe in I don’t think, at least not in the way I was feeling it at that point, like this was a wrong turn that there was no recovering from. In the end I think it was a decision I didn’t expect to have to make, and I ended up in a place I hadn’t expected to be.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Day Three of Pack Trip
On the third day of the trip we got up around six. First we got the horses and then we started packing up the camp. We all ate breakfast together, and with our food and the other groups food combined we actually had quite a bit to eat. The other group left around ten. They were heading back to the ranch and had an eight-hour ride ahead of them.
We cleaned, took a last inventory, chopped wood, and then packed the horses up. While we were packing we heard a floater plane flying overhead, and from all of our respective locations we ran to the lake to see it land. We missed it, but we all stood on the beach watching it as it maneuvered towards our dock to drop a couple of mountain bikers off.
It took five or six hours to get to the next camp, which I believe was called Lacky. Lacky is a much more basic camp then Spruce Lake. The tents are the same, but there isn’t a cabin, just a shack with dishes and a fire stove. When we got there it was obvious that a bear had been through the shack. Some plates and cups were strewn across the floor along with a bottle of dish soap that had been spilled. There was one big soapy paw print in the dirt on the floor.
We cleaned up the shack and took inventory while it was still light. Clayton and Dave made dinner and I snuck off to one of the tents to be alone for a while. It got dark quickly and I was glad we didn’t have to go stake the horses after we ate. We did however still have to feed and water the horses. In order to water them we had to go to the creek, fill buckets, and bring them back to the corral. It was pitch black and the buckets were really heavy. It took two of to carry one when it was less than half full, then we filled smaller buckets and stumbled back and forth between the corral and the creek in order to top up the big buckets. By the end my arms throbbed and felt like they might be a little longer than before. I stumbled up the hill back to camp hoping like hell that there wasn’t anything else we had to do before bed.
We cleaned, took a last inventory, chopped wood, and then packed the horses up. While we were packing we heard a floater plane flying overhead, and from all of our respective locations we ran to the lake to see it land. We missed it, but we all stood on the beach watching it as it maneuvered towards our dock to drop a couple of mountain bikers off.
It took five or six hours to get to the next camp, which I believe was called Lacky. Lacky is a much more basic camp then Spruce Lake. The tents are the same, but there isn’t a cabin, just a shack with dishes and a fire stove. When we got there it was obvious that a bear had been through the shack. Some plates and cups were strewn across the floor along with a bottle of dish soap that had been spilled. There was one big soapy paw print in the dirt on the floor.
We cleaned up the shack and took inventory while it was still light. Clayton and Dave made dinner and I snuck off to one of the tents to be alone for a while. It got dark quickly and I was glad we didn’t have to go stake the horses after we ate. We did however still have to feed and water the horses. In order to water them we had to go to the creek, fill buckets, and bring them back to the corral. It was pitch black and the buckets were really heavy. It took two of to carry one when it was less than half full, then we filled smaller buckets and stumbled back and forth between the corral and the creek in order to top up the big buckets. By the end my arms throbbed and felt like they might be a little longer than before. I stumbled up the hill back to camp hoping like hell that there wasn’t anything else we had to do before bed.
Monday, October 6, 2008
The T-dot
I’m in Toronto now, crashing at my friend Hayley’s. Her and her roommates have been kind enough to take me on indefinitely. I’m going to do my very best to get out of here by the 15th though.
I spent most of the morning getting a cell phone and printing off my resume. I went to Kinko’s to print it, the only experiences I’ve ever had at Kinko’s have been with Claire, and they have always been terrible. Today, however, everyone was exceptionally helpful and friendly.
I spent the rest of the day walking around handing out resumes. Most of the people I gave them to seemed skeptical. At one small Italian bar called Drinx (which Hayley is convinced is run by the mob, which honestly is what made me want to work there) the woman who took my resume asked me if I was comfortable dealing with “all sorts of customers.” I said yes and she did that whole sideways glance thing to me. Sometimes I think that I might give off a really naive first impression to some people. Maybe I smile too much.
On College a canvasser for the Canadian chapter of Save the Children stopped me and I talked to him for a while. When it came up that I was looking for work he tried to convince me to apply for the same job he was doing. It turns out he works for public outreach, which is the same company I worked for when I was canvassing for greenpeace. I told him I’d only been able to bring myself to do his job for two days and then I’d quit. He really didn’t want to take no for an answer, apparently he has good intuition about these sorts of things. To prove this he told me to think of a number between one and ten, but he guessed seven and I was thinking four. He was friendly though. I guess I could do that job as a very last resort, but I don’t think it’ll come to that.
I spent most of the morning getting a cell phone and printing off my resume. I went to Kinko’s to print it, the only experiences I’ve ever had at Kinko’s have been with Claire, and they have always been terrible. Today, however, everyone was exceptionally helpful and friendly.
I spent the rest of the day walking around handing out resumes. Most of the people I gave them to seemed skeptical. At one small Italian bar called Drinx (which Hayley is convinced is run by the mob, which honestly is what made me want to work there) the woman who took my resume asked me if I was comfortable dealing with “all sorts of customers.” I said yes and she did that whole sideways glance thing to me. Sometimes I think that I might give off a really naive first impression to some people. Maybe I smile too much.
On College a canvasser for the Canadian chapter of Save the Children stopped me and I talked to him for a while. When it came up that I was looking for work he tried to convince me to apply for the same job he was doing. It turns out he works for public outreach, which is the same company I worked for when I was canvassing for greenpeace. I told him I’d only been able to bring myself to do his job for two days and then I’d quit. He really didn’t want to take no for an answer, apparently he has good intuition about these sorts of things. To prove this he told me to think of a number between one and ten, but he guessed seven and I was thinking four. He was friendly though. I guess I could do that job as a very last resort, but I don’t think it’ll come to that.
Day Two of Pack Trip
On the second day of the trip we met around six am and went to round up the horses. All but two were there. After we’d gotten the eight horses that were still in the field back to camp Linda and I rode out bareback to find the other two. One thing I didn’t mention before is that we put cowbells around the necks of the horses that are hobbled. You also want to try and stake/hobble the horses so that the camp is between the field that the horses are in and the ranch, this way if the horses decide to head back to the ranch you’ll hopefully hear them.
One of the horses that wasn’t with the herd was a paint, so we rode around listening for cowbell and looking for a patches of white in the trees. Eventually we found them, not very far from where the herd had been, and we herded them back to the camp.
After breakfast we went on a short ride up to a place called ‘cowboy cabin’ where there is an old cabin that cowboys used to use when they were grazing cattle in the area. The roof has caved in now and someone has placed some old tin and glass ‘artifacts,’ that were presumably inside the cabin in a line under one of the windows. We looked at the heap of wood for a little while and then rode up a little further to a small field where we ate lunch.
I think we were all pretty eager to have some free time. Clayton wanted to do some fishing in the lake, and Hanna and I wanted to go swimming. We managed to convince Vera, who wanted to take a five-hour trail ride, that we should go back to camp sooner and relax for a bit. Vera isn’t much for relaxing, I often felt like she wanted us to suffer, or not suffer, but she wanted us to understand how hard the job is. Which I get, but her attitude about the whole thing was frustrating.
Once we got back the camp we did some inventory before going to the lake. Just as we were about to go swimming some guests that we had met earlier in the week at the lodge showed up. It was funny timing because it appeared as if we were on vacation: swimming and fishing. The guides who were taking the guests out made a few cracks about how their guide school never had time to swim. The guides are like an elite group of people who are tougher than you. Still, it was nice to see some different faces and talk to some different people.
The water was pretty cold, but nice. Clayton caught a fish and threw it back. After diner we had to go stake the horses again. With the new group at the cabin now we had a total of eighteen horses to stake and hobble. We took them to a different, bigger, field. This field was more like a meadow, and flat, instead of slanted, and there was a creek off to the left. We started staking and hobbling the horses. It felt like some sort of fantasy world, the sun was setting, the field was completely yellow, and the horses were all hopping around like oversized rabbits grazing.
When we got back to camp the other group had made a camp-fire, and we sat around roasting marshmallows and listening to the guides swap stories.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Day One of Pack Trip Continued
We reached Spruce Lake around six. There are some tents and cabin there, the cabin is pretty modest, and used mostly just for cooking. It sits at the edge of spruce lake, there is one other cabin on the lake. Apparently the guy who owns that cabin had it before all of the Chilcotin land became crown land so the government couldn’t kick him off. Every once and awhile a floater plane lands on the lake, usually to drop mountain bikers off.
We started making supper right away and had finished eating around seven-thirty. The sky was already starting to get dark and we still hadn’t staked the horses. Staking is basically when you take a stake drive it into the ground, tie one end of a long piece of rope to the stake and the other end to one of the horse’s legs. You do this so that they can graze but they can’t run back to the ranch (although if they really wanted to they could pull up the stakes and take off). Usually you stake four or five of the horses that are the more leaderly type and then you hobble the other horses. Hobbling is when you take a lead rope and loop it around the horses two front legs. The idea is to slow them down so that they can’t wander off to far, but it doesn’t always work. I’d never staked or hobbled before this, and I realize that it may sound a bit cruel. The truth is the horses are still able to get around pretty easily, and they really don’t seem all that concerned or bothered by it. When hobbled they look like really big bunnies.
So we headed out to stake and hobble the horses, it was about a twenty-minute walk to the field where we were staking, by this time it was getting pretty dark. The field wasn’t so much a field as it was a steeply slanted patch of grass. I actually got sort of scared because it was really steep and my boots were slipping on the dry grass. I kept on imagining myself falling into the abyss of dark forest below us. We finally finished staking and hobbling and headed back to camp, it was pitch black by this time and we had to navigate on pretty bumpy terrain with only a couple flashlights spread out among the eight of us. None of us were very impressed, and we were all exhausted. When we got back to camp we had to clean up the mess from dinner and I think it was about ten-thirty or eleven when I got to bed.
you really don't need anything to get on the greyhound bus. my mom just bought me a ticket and they gave her a confirmation number and a password so that i can claim it at the station here in vancouver.
i lost my wallett. i have no id. and so i cannot get on the flight i had booked for tomorrow. instead i will sit on a bus for 18 hours.
i lost my wallett. i have no id. and so i cannot get on the flight i had booked for tomorrow. instead i will sit on a bus for 18 hours.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Day One of Pack Trip
We met outside the barn at six in the morning. It was still dark and fairly cold. Thankfully Dave had given me one of his jackets to take with me the night before. The mornings up here are so cold and then by mid-day you’re sweating. Or at least I’m sweating.
After we had rounded up all the horses we were taking (one for each person as well as two pack horses, so ten total) we started to secure the loads on the packhorses. Brenda and I packed a big grey horse called blue. He had just come back from a hunting trip and was a little skidish. Understandably so, those horses carry huge loads of dead weight over crazy terrain. Packing involves a lot of knots and a lot of co-ordination. I’m bad at both these things. Despite this Brenda and I did a pretty good job, and we didn’t have to repack it at anytime during our eight-hour ride.
We left the ranch around nine-thirty. The path we took involved of a lot of up and down, but mostly up. When you are going up hill on a horse you have to lean forward so that your weight is off its hindquarters. This allows the horse to more easily maneuver and push its way forward. The amount you lean forward depends on how steep the hill is. Some of the slopes we went up were so steep that I felt as if I was standing straight up parallel with the mountainside as my horse navigated its way on the path. It’s like floating, but with almost every muscle in your body clenched.
The ride was beautiful. We spent a good part of it traveling alongside a fair sized fast moving creek, I can’t remember the name of it, but it was fairly shallow and sea foam green. When we stopped for lunch I drank out of it since I’d forgotten to bring a water bottle. Our path took us progressively higher up the mountain, and as we got higher the water got clearer and bluer, and the trees thinned out. We had lunch at a campsite called Eldorado (which is also the name of the horse I was riding). We sat in the sun eating our paper bag lunches that the kitchen staff had packed us before we left. At this point we were about four hours into our ride and had another four hours to go.
Eventually we emerged from the woods into meadows of dry yellow grass. Linda told me that the last time she had been this way in July the fields had been covered in wildflowers. Now the fields were the colour of autumn, but beautiful nonetheless. We traveled along a narrow winding path. To the left was a deep valley and another mountain that rose up, covered in fir trees, dead patches of dead trees stood out from the deep green, they looked almost purple. In front and behind were snow peaked mountains. The view was overwhelming. Being so high meant you could see a lot, for some reason I found the amount of trees I could see overwhelming. I’ve driven through the mountains quite a bit, but the much slower pace on a horse really drove home how freaking big mountains are.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Back in the City
I’m back in Vancouver now. Well, Surrey. But I’ll be in Van soon. I ended up not staying for the internship because I wouldn’t have been able to get a job guiding, not 'til the spring at least. The four-day pack trip was great. I wrote in a journal when I had time, so over the next few days I’ll update with stories from that.
Now I’m trying to figure out how to set up myself up. I think I’m going to move to Toronto. I guess this is what 'freedom' feels like?
Now I’m trying to figure out how to set up myself up. I think I’m going to move to Toronto. I guess this is what 'freedom' feels like?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I Made It.
I’ve been at the ranch for almost three days now. We head out on a pack trip tomorrow and will be back on Saturday. So far we’ve gone on a few couple hour rides. The trails here are steep and rocky. It’s pretty amazing what these horses do. The terrain is pretty insane and they are so calm and steady. There’s no way I would have taken the horses I rode at Keno on these trails.
We saw a bear by the ranch the other day. It stood up and looked at us and once we got closer it turned into the bush and disappeared.
I’m not even sure what we’ve done with our days so far, but they generally last from 6:30ish ‘til 8 or 9. Today we shoed a horse. My lower back and knees are going to hurt so much tomorrow. I also got on bareback from the ground today. I could never do it when I rode at Keno, but somehow I was able to today. I was pretty happy with myself. Mostly because I’d decided I couldn’t do it before I tried and then it wasn’t very hard at all.
We packed all our food tonight. And tomorrow we will pack it onto the horses at 6am before we eat breakfast. It’ll still be dark then. Then we head out after we eat. Probably around 8. It’ll take us 8 hours to get to our first camp, called Spruce Lake. We’ll spend two nights there and then head back to the ranch, stopping at a camp I can’t remember the name of, for one night.
I like the other people taking the guide training. In the early afternoon we’re all so tired and delirious and we start being really silly, and then we all get quite and sort of grumpy shortly after. Sometimes I have no idea what to say to any of them, small talk runs out pretty fast. But I do like them. There’s one other girl from England who will be staying on with me to do the internship. She calls diner tea.
It doesn’t look like I’ll be able to get a job here, the season is ending and only the hunting guides stay on. This sort of messes up my plans for the next little while. I’m not sure what to do. Going back to Edmonton seems so depressing right now. I don’t know why, probably just because it’s not what I’d planned for. I was thinking of looking for work on saltspring island. My mom has a friend there who worked on a sheep farm. Maybe she would know someone who is looking for some farm hands. I’m not sure. If anyone has any ideas or connections let me know!
Okay I should go to bed. Long day tomorrow.
We saw a bear by the ranch the other day. It stood up and looked at us and once we got closer it turned into the bush and disappeared.
I’m not even sure what we’ve done with our days so far, but they generally last from 6:30ish ‘til 8 or 9. Today we shoed a horse. My lower back and knees are going to hurt so much tomorrow. I also got on bareback from the ground today. I could never do it when I rode at Keno, but somehow I was able to today. I was pretty happy with myself. Mostly because I’d decided I couldn’t do it before I tried and then it wasn’t very hard at all.
We packed all our food tonight. And tomorrow we will pack it onto the horses at 6am before we eat breakfast. It’ll still be dark then. Then we head out after we eat. Probably around 8. It’ll take us 8 hours to get to our first camp, called Spruce Lake. We’ll spend two nights there and then head back to the ranch, stopping at a camp I can’t remember the name of, for one night.
I like the other people taking the guide training. In the early afternoon we’re all so tired and delirious and we start being really silly, and then we all get quite and sort of grumpy shortly after. Sometimes I have no idea what to say to any of them, small talk runs out pretty fast. But I do like them. There’s one other girl from England who will be staying on with me to do the internship. She calls diner tea.
It doesn’t look like I’ll be able to get a job here, the season is ending and only the hunting guides stay on. This sort of messes up my plans for the next little while. I’m not sure what to do. Going back to Edmonton seems so depressing right now. I don’t know why, probably just because it’s not what I’d planned for. I was thinking of looking for work on saltspring island. My mom has a friend there who worked on a sheep farm. Maybe she would know someone who is looking for some farm hands. I’m not sure. If anyone has any ideas or connections let me know!
Okay I should go to bed. Long day tomorrow.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
these are my boots
well, i turned this whole horse camp thing into a good excuse to spend tons of money on shoes.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Loose Ends
I figured out some student loan stuff.
I ordered transcripts from the UofA to be sent to Trent.
I mailed a thank-you letter.
And I finished up Claire and my application for the Grasshoppin’ contest. Check it:
I ordered transcripts from the UofA to be sent to Trent.
I mailed a thank-you letter.
And I finished up Claire and my application for the Grasshoppin’ contest. Check it:
Pack Attack
Last night I had a going away thing at black dog. Then somehow I ended up doing five shots in a row and had to leave. It was fun though. I really love my friends, and I’ve met a bunch of interesting people working at Blue Plate this summer. I wish I could have gotten to know some of them better. Then again I might be back in a month.
I really am bad at goodbyes. When I left Ghana I didn’t say goodbye to so many people and I know I offended people by neglecting to do so. Ghana was a strange situation though because I’m never going to see those people again, and I think I got sort of apathetic about it. I didn’t see the point. Just let it be what it was, was what I was thinking I guess.
I’m packing right now and I’ve been listening to Fleetwood Mac (the Rumors album) and U2 (the Joshua Tree album). Those are the two albums I remember my parents listening to when I was young. Those and I’m Your Man (I made up a dance routine to First We Take Manhattan), and Was (Not Was) which incidentally I heard someone at the Empress quoting the other day. There’s this song on that tape (we only had the tape) called Dad I’m in Jail (I think) and these guys were reciting it.
Anyway, I’m packing. I find myself wanting to take the most useless sentimental stuff. Like this little picture of Ramona that I’ve had forever. It’s in a small silver frame and her little seven or eight-year-old head fills the whole thing, she’s sticking out her tongue. But what would I do with it if I brought it? Do I really need to carry every letter I’ve ever received around with me? Do I really need that plastic rat I found on the main street in Peterborough? NO, NO I DON’T.
I do need to remember to bring my alarm clock though.
I really am bad at goodbyes. When I left Ghana I didn’t say goodbye to so many people and I know I offended people by neglecting to do so. Ghana was a strange situation though because I’m never going to see those people again, and I think I got sort of apathetic about it. I didn’t see the point. Just let it be what it was, was what I was thinking I guess.
I’m packing right now and I’ve been listening to Fleetwood Mac (the Rumors album) and U2 (the Joshua Tree album). Those are the two albums I remember my parents listening to when I was young. Those and I’m Your Man (I made up a dance routine to First We Take Manhattan), and Was (Not Was) which incidentally I heard someone at the Empress quoting the other day. There’s this song on that tape (we only had the tape) called Dad I’m in Jail (I think) and these guys were reciting it.
Anyway, I’m packing. I find myself wanting to take the most useless sentimental stuff. Like this little picture of Ramona that I’ve had forever. It’s in a small silver frame and her little seven or eight-year-old head fills the whole thing, she’s sticking out her tongue. But what would I do with it if I brought it? Do I really need to carry every letter I’ve ever received around with me? Do I really need that plastic rat I found on the main street in Peterborough? NO, NO I DON’T.
I do need to remember to bring my alarm clock though.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I’m having trouble sleeping, and I’m making lists. Lots of lists. And I’m watching project runway Australia on sidereel.com. Other than those signs of stress though I’m not feeling particularly tense. Except when my mom asks me questions, then I feel really stressed out.
The challenge for the designers in the episode of project runway Australia that I’m watching right now is to make a gown (or frock) for the girlfriends of famous (?) Australian soccer players.
The challenge for the designers in the episode of project runway Australia that I’m watching right now is to make a gown (or frock) for the girlfriends of famous (?) Australian soccer players.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
My mom and I are going to go shopping on Sunday to get the rest of the ‘gear’ I need. Gear sounds so hardcore. I need boots and other stuff. Socks. I need to remember socks and underwear.
I’m nervous about packing. I’m a bad packer generally. This time it should be a bit easier because a lot of my clothing (read: shoes) would be completely useless to bring, and so it follows that I shouldn’t pack them. Although I almost convinced myself last night as I was falling asleep that I should bring a dress or two and some nice shoes just in case there’s a square dance or something. Maybe I should bring a dress.
I also want to get a belt. I have an old belt buckle that used to be my grandpa’s. I’m not really sure how I ended up getting it, but isn’t it fitting?
I’m feeling run down. I think I’m stressing too much, but indirectly. I’m thinking about the course/internship a lot, but really abstractly. I watched Lars and the Real Girl yesterday afternoon and cried. But I think the reason I cried so much was because of all the other emotion I’ve been feeling, or not feeling. Deep.
Anyway, back to packing anxiety. I don’t want to show up with tons of shit and have all the cowboys (for the record I’m using cowboys to mean both cowboys and cowgirls, I know there are those of you who will be unimpressed, sorry) think I’m a city slicker princess. Actually maybe I do want them to think that. I was telling Barbra and Patricia the other night when they were over for diner, jokingly, that I was going to show up in my purple pants so that after a month of working really hard and proving myself (or whatever) we could all laugh about peoples first impressions of me when I showed up in my silly pants. Now if that ever happens I’ll have to tell them that I planned it all. Won’t I look clever. Or lame.
I think I’ve really just reached the point where I want to move on. I know it’s coming and I’m sick of anticipating it (and coming up with stupid scenarios in my head that involve purple pants). This usually happens when I’m leaving. I get really impatient. I feel bad for my parents who end up having to deal with me being grumpy and uncommunicative. I should probably try harder not to be an ass.
I’m nervous about packing. I’m a bad packer generally. This time it should be a bit easier because a lot of my clothing (read: shoes) would be completely useless to bring, and so it follows that I shouldn’t pack them. Although I almost convinced myself last night as I was falling asleep that I should bring a dress or two and some nice shoes just in case there’s a square dance or something. Maybe I should bring a dress.
I also want to get a belt. I have an old belt buckle that used to be my grandpa’s. I’m not really sure how I ended up getting it, but isn’t it fitting?
I’m feeling run down. I think I’m stressing too much, but indirectly. I’m thinking about the course/internship a lot, but really abstractly. I watched Lars and the Real Girl yesterday afternoon and cried. But I think the reason I cried so much was because of all the other emotion I’ve been feeling, or not feeling. Deep.
Anyway, back to packing anxiety. I don’t want to show up with tons of shit and have all the cowboys (for the record I’m using cowboys to mean both cowboys and cowgirls, I know there are those of you who will be unimpressed, sorry) think I’m a city slicker princess. Actually maybe I do want them to think that. I was telling Barbra and Patricia the other night when they were over for diner, jokingly, that I was going to show up in my purple pants so that after a month of working really hard and proving myself (or whatever) we could all laugh about peoples first impressions of me when I showed up in my silly pants. Now if that ever happens I’ll have to tell them that I planned it all. Won’t I look clever. Or lame.
I think I’ve really just reached the point where I want to move on. I know it’s coming and I’m sick of anticipating it (and coming up with stupid scenarios in my head that involve purple pants). This usually happens when I’m leaving. I get really impatient. I feel bad for my parents who end up having to deal with me being grumpy and uncommunicative. I should probably try harder not to be an ass.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
cougar 1, bear 0
Well if they're just going to fight each other I don't really have to worry. Also, that cougar looks unusually large, right?
I bought a hat. It’s big. I was walking around the house in it yesterday and I kept hitting the side (brim I guess you call it, but the side brim, or whatever. Maybe there will be a hat lingo component to my course?) against corners. I’d post a picture but I lost the cord for my camera. Seriously though, it’s big. I don’t know how to transport it. A few people have suggested wearing it, but I don’t know how that would pan out on the plane, I think it would really infringe on the personal space of the person sitting next to me if I were to wear it. And I don’t want to hold it on my lap. Have I mentioned it is big. I have a box for it, but the box is really really big. I feel like the hat needs a human name. Harold? No.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I forgot how hard it is to leave Edmonton. I’ve done it so much in the last few years. Actually I don’t leave for about a month, but the goodbyes are starting. And this is about the time that I’m programmed to start all the preparations that leaving entails.
Claire is leaving in two weeks. I’m excited for her, but I’m also really sad.
I’m also really selfish. I just want everyone to stay until I go.
Claire is leaving in two weeks. I’m excited for her, but I’m also really sad.
I’m also really selfish. I just want everyone to stay until I go.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
It occurred to me today that I should buy a plane ticket to Vancouver. I’m not sure if I should buy a return ticket or not. From Vancouver I will have to take a five-hour ride northeast to the guest ranch. My biggest fear right now is that I’ll be the only person, other than the driver, on the ‘Chilcotin Express’ and that awkward (a lot of it) conversation will ensue. Actually, now that I’ve written that down I’m not so worried.
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